I’m feeling especially detached from life (and friends) recently.
Firstly, from J, who seems to be enjoying a huge resurgence in my consciousness courtesy of our few remaining Facebook friends.
Courtesy of mutual “friends” whom Facebook evidently deems of high importance, I feel as though I’ve recently been seeing a great deal more of J, his new girl and his new life. It feels sudden. It feels brutal.
Again, the pangs are ever more sharp; not necessarily because it’s J, but because it’s my old home, my old neighbourhood. Worse still, I’ve finally pieced together that those who I had considered friends have since moved into the same apartment complex as J and his new beau, and have subsequently cut ties with me for all intents and purposes. All, except Facebook, where I will constantly see various updates about the life I’m missing in the home I miss so desperately.
I can’t bring myself to cut ties with them outright. I know I should. I’ve hovered over the ‘Unfriend’ option for half hour intervals at a time, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. It’s a work in progress, however, because I know that seeing proof of J’s new (and improved?) life are of no benefit to me whatsoever.
At the same time, those in my life are making me feel quite secondary. It’s likely an entirely unintentional effort, but as someone who has been largely absent for a good portion of the last decade, I’m both understanding and disappointed by the fact that those I know I’ve been a good friend to in the past have felt abandoned by me and my illness over the last few years.
It’s not just about me. It’s about them, their events I couldn’t attend, their engagements and weddings I missed, and the lack of trust and faith in me that now reflects in the complete indifference to the celebration of my own deeply personal milestone.
It hurts.
It pains me to know that I’ve disappointed so many, and appeased so few.
There are a precious few still by my side, and for that I will be forever grateful. But part of me, a large part, admittedly, can’t help but wonder how many more there would be to share my big day with me if it hadn’t been for my illness and the resultant last-minute cancellations.
solo in sydney 