solo in sydney

August 23, 2010, 3:03 am
Filed under: dear diary, depression

There’s no other word for it. Flat. This week has been a whole lot of nothingness. I can’t get enough sleep, and when I’m awake I can’t get enough food. I’m positive I’ve already stacked on at least 5kg in the last 4 weeks alone. My so-called New and Improved Anti-Depressant is not treating me well.

Hopefully it’s just a teething process. If you’ve ever been on any kind of anti-depressant medication, you’d know that it’s a hit and miss affair. Some medications will treat you well, some will drag you to hell and back before you start feeling better. Some just drag you to hell and leave you there, dumping you out from a moving vehicle and flipping the bird as it speeds away. Many bring you back in some distorted zombie form.

Currently, I’m feeling flat. Not great, not bad, just hovering somewhere below alright. Comfortably numb. And nocturnal. I’d be far more comfortable if I could just keep regular hours and return to my day job, but my body just won’t allow it. No matter how many alarms I set, I sleep until the sun rises and sets again. My snooze button gets a workout. Most mornings I will continue to hit it every 8 minutes, from 7am all the way through to whenever J gets home after work. Every 8 minutes. It’s not even worthwhile sleep, yet still, I can’t break the cycle.

One more week. I’ll keep setting the alarms, keep getting my work clothes ready every night, and keep telling myself that today, today will be the day I start to get better. Again.


The Wringer
August 16, 2010, 1:27 am
Filed under: dear diary

Even though the last two months have been an eventful, tumultuous blur, I’m still right back where I started and very little has changed. I feel like I’ve been through the wringer, and for what?

My grand plans to move out with my friend haven’t eventuated. It’s still an option for me, there’s still a bedroom with my name on it if I want or need it, but as the last two months have also included my friend breaking up and getting back together with her boyfriend a number of times, it only seemed fair to give her a little space to sort out her own woes before I added mine to the stack. Nevertheless, she’s been an amazingly supportive friend and I can’t thank her enough. Having a friend in Sydney has been amazing. Not just a casual acquaintance, but someone I can call at any time. It’s a huge relief.

Work is a different story. My attempts to go back to work regularly have been hit and miss. Mainly miss. Just when I feel like I’m getting back on my feet, I’ll be knocked down by a cold or a migraine or an inescapable bout of insomnia. Somehow, work remains patient with me and I still have a job to return to. After my last lengthy hiatus, I was afraid my time had finally run out, and whilst my return was a little rocky at first (one person was particularly cool towards me), it wasn’t long before I felt right back at home. My boss is utterly amazing.

On the relationship front, I’m beyond confused. After a few weeks of endless, explosive arguments, I told J I was done. We were due to fly to my hometown in a few days, and I made it clear that he was no longer welcome. I was going to pack my bags, get on that plane alone, and seriously consider whether I was ever coming back again.

He begged for one last time, one last try. He pleaded for me to get back on my feet, get settled on my new medication, and take it from there. I agreed, and generally speaking, things have been better. Much better, in fact. J has been more thoughtful, loving and affectionate. He really is trying. Some days, like today, he’s absolutely amazing and I remember why I fell in love with him.

But on the whole, I still regret giving him (and ‘us’) this last chance. It feels as though I’m just delaying the inevitable, and it wracks me with guilt. I don’t know if I love him anymore. We used to say ‘I love you’ every day, but now I can barely look him in the eyes when I say it. What’s worse is that he knows I feel this way, yet he still stands by my side. Even on the days that I’m at my lowest and my absolute worst, he tells me he loves me and he goes out of his way to show it.

For the last few weeks, the good days have far outweighed the bad and we haven’t argued since we agreed to give it another try, but for some odd, unplaceable reason, it still feels like the beginning of the end.

So here I am back at square one, and I still feel like I’ve been through the wringer.