solo in sydney


Flags
March 7, 2019, 1:28 am
Filed under: dear diary | Tags: , , ,

I fell head over heels in love with you, almost from day one. Everything about you, from your careless hair to your wary smile and your hesitant laughter.

Our first date was incredible. Hours spent together were comfortable, effortless.

But the decline started soon after. You wished we’d ended our date differently. Not together. The first flag.

You told me you liked me more and more every time you saw me, but you put a spike in the compliment by calling me a trap. It was a negative to like me, and my baggage.

I was a complication. And soon, you began to list the ways.

Our good times together were constantly marred by casual mentions of my faults. I have many to choose from.

But things got nasty. You started to compare me to your ex. You started to break down my online presence,  how I didn’t look like my photos anymore. How I was overweight and deluded.

You didn’t hold back, but I already loved you. I tried to see past the insults for the few compliments, and for a while it worked.

Until I wanted to see you too much. I wanted to be in your life when you didn’t want me.

Suddenly it was my behaviour that was too much. My behaviour that turned you off.

You never wanted me. I was a convenient distraction, nothing more than a complication.

I would never fit with your family. Never ease into your life.

I wanted to. I still do. But you don’t want it. You never did.

You say that staying friends is difficult, but you’re the one making it impossible.

I should move on.

I need to move on.

But I don’t want to.

I want you.

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Alone
February 8, 2010, 10:26 pm
Filed under: dear diary | Tags: ,
If you’ve ever felt completely alone in a relationship, you’ll understand what this blog is about. I’ll get into the backstory in time, but for now I just need to vent. I need to express what I’m feeling without any sugar coating. So here it is.

I’m not happy. I haven’t been for a long time. I’m not sure how to get out of the rut/relationship I’m in, but I feel it’s the best course of action for all involved. For the sake of my sanity, I’m going to document every step here, with not a trace of sugar in sight.