solo in sydney

So Long, Sydney
September 22, 2010, 5:41 pm
Filed under: depression

I’ve packed up a suitcase and I’m jumping on the next plane to my home town, but Sydney most certainly hasn’t seen the last of me. To be truthful, there’s not much anchoring me to Sydney anymore, but I love it nonetheless and I expect to miss it greatly.

I haven’t decided yet when I’ll return, or if I’ll return permanently. At the very least, I’ll need to come back to pack up the rest of my belongings. I thought I’d be more sure that this was the way to go. I’ve been set on this course of action for so long, but now that it’s staring me in the face, I’m wavering. Despite the struggles, I love Sydney, I love my life here, my apartment, my neighbourhood.

I’d be lying if I said J didn’t play a part too. When I booked my one-way flight a few weeks ago, it was like he flicked a switch and went back to the amazing guy I fell in love with. I’d like to think that I’m well aware that it’s too little, too late, but now I’m more confused than ever.

I looked him in the eye and told him that I wasn’t in love with him anymore. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, but it needed to be done. And yet even faced with this, he still wants to be the one to support and care for me, and love me no matter what. When I finally lost my job a fortnight ago, he was incredibly supportive, understanding, and positive.

I feel like I should know better. I feel like the terrible times we’ve spent together should be jumping to the forefront of my mind, telling me that it’s just another hollow promise. But when I try to think of those terrible times, it’s all just a vague blur. All I can remember are the good times, the great times, and I don’t want to let go of that.

Yesterday as I attempted to pack for an indefinite period of time, it hit me all at once. I’m really doing this. I’m really packing a bag and leaving. After months of being sure this is what I wanted and needed to do, a sledgehammer of doubt took my breath away and struck me to the floor. I stayed there for what felt like hours, crying and gasping for air.

I thought there’d be clarity.

I thought there’d be relief.

Instead, there’s just grief, regret, doubt, and heartbreaking pain.

I don’t know if I can do this.