solo in sydney


The Turning Point
June 22, 2010, 11:56 pm
Filed under: dear diary, depression, sydney

The title is quite optimistic, perhaps foolishly so, but damn it, I’m feeling optimistic. Maybe I’ll look back on this moment and laugh (or curse) at how uncharacteristically positive I was, but for now I’m just going with it.

I caught up with a friend on the weekend. That really shouldn’t be a post-worthy event, but after struggling so long with depression and severe anxiety, it’s actually a huge achievement. But that’s not all. I have a friend in Sydney, a true friend who will open her doors to me even though I haven’t seen her in years, even though I’ve cancelled on her too many times to count. She heard me out, my whole pitiful story, and her arms and her doors were instantly open to me. I get teary just thinking about it.

Suddenly, I have another option. One that fortunately doesn’t include relocating back to my home town. It includes a friend who lives only a few suburbs away, a couch while I get back on my feet, and a room of my own if I choose to stay.

I’m blown away. I’ve always known this friend to be amazing, but we were never amazing friends. We’ve known each other since high school, but we were never all that close. Out of the blue, and a simple catch-up over coffee, I can see a happier future. I’m not 100% decided just yet, but I’m actually excited. The idea of being single, really single, in Sydney, is exhilarating. The idea of ‘going it alone’ with a friend by my side makes me smile from ear to ear.

For the first time in as long as I can recall, I think I can do it. Perhaps not just yet, not right now, but soon. And I won’t be doing it for J, I won’t be doing it for S, I’ll be doing it for me. That long elusive spark of hope and belief is finally back.

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When One Door Closes
June 16, 2010, 11:35 pm
Filed under: dear diary, depression

If you’ve come across my Twitter stream, you’ll know that it’s been a strange few months for me. Even more strange than usual. I’ve been back at work, for the most part, but I still have the odd week or two where I can’t find the energy to get out of bed and out the door. Yet somehow, I still have a job. I’ve been working from home on occassion, tackling small projects that are both trivial and fulfilling.

I’ve been back to my therapist twice now, and our sessions have taken an interesting turn. I won’t go into details just yet, but if we’re on the right track, it could be a very positive step for me. My medication is currently getting me by, but it’s far from perfect. The sedative effect I need at night renders me dazed and incoherent come morning. As my dosage increases, it becomes more and more of a struggle to push through it and get on with life. If my doctor is right about his current hunch though, all this could change.

Things with J have been about the same. Some good days, plenty of bad days, far too many horrible days. We had friends stay with us over the long weekend, and I truly lost count of how many times he told me to fuck off or shut up. There was nothing joking about it either, it was cold and brutal.

Money is still a huge issue. I’m paying him back hundreds every pay day, yet it’s not enough. He wants me to pay it back faster, yet he won’t give me a total because he doesn’t think I’ll be able to reach it. I’m begging him to give me a goal, something to aim for, and he keeps telling me I just can’t do it. I don’t know what he wants from me. Oddly enough, throughout the constant complaints our financial situation, J can’t stop talking about a trip overseas later this year. He keeps insisting that he’ll pay for me, but I know how that goes. If I agree to go with him, he’ll think he has a free pass to treat me how he wants, and he’ll use it against me at any opportunity. He’ll call me ungrateful, and ask why I said yes, forgetting that he’d begged me to say so.

In other news, B is gone, and attempts to stay in contact with him have been shut down. It was all completely innocent, mind you, but it was nice to talk to someone who made me laugh and feel special, if only for a few minutes a day. That door is closed, but as is often the case, another door has since opened.

For some time before J came along, I was trying a long distance ‘thing’ with a great guy. I don’t know if you’d call it a relationship, because although I took it very seriously, I was never convinced that he did. When I met J, I had a difficult decision to make. I honestly felt like I was cheating on long distance guy, let’s call him S, by even entertaining the thought of going on a date with J.

For reasons that I can’t even begin to understand in retrospect, I chose J. I told S immediately. I wanted to be honest with him, but I didn’t want to hurt him. I didn’t even know if it would hurt him or even bother him in the slightest, as he always kept his cards close to his chest. His reaction was fairly mild, but eventually the hurt started showing through. I didn’t want to rub salt into the wounds, so I ceased contact. We went from talking every day, to the occasional email or text. I spoke to him briefly when I found out he was dating again, and he said she was a great girl, but she wasn’t me.

I always thought he was joking. I never took him seriously. And all these years later, I’m realising what a mistake that was. We’ve been speaking again, and he assures me he was absolutely serious. He still is. He’d still drop everything and move across the world to be with me. I don’t know how I ever chose J over him, but at the same time, I’m not sure I deserve a second chance. A lot has changed over the last few years, and my emotional baggage has increased tenfold. I’m not in a good place and he’s largely in the dark about what’s been happening. He deserves better than this, better than me, but I don’t know if I can say no.