solo in sydney

October 23, 2013, 1:08 pm
Filed under: dear diary | Tags: ,


In moments of extreme stress or anxiety, I often feel like I’m watching myself in the third person, narrating my own thoughts from a distance.

This generally occurs as I lay in bed, struggling to emerge and meet the day’s responsibilities. I can hear the internal battle raging. I’m not dispassionate to the discourse – the pain is still there, of the harsh words being spoken to me, about me – but I feel disconnected from the final decision. The decision to stay in bed, to cancel plans, to shirk responsibilities and let people down.

My narrator self knows how the day should go, how I truly want the day to go. How I want to get up and start rebuilding myself, my life, and the trust in me that my loved ones have long since abandoned. But any attempts to communicate this, even scream it, at the entity that’s making the decisions simply doesn’t pierce through the dense fog between us.

The internal battles go for hours and leave me utterly drained. If there is any relief in choosing to stay in bed, or in sending an email or text message to cancel plans, it is blindingly short-lived and promptly followed by hours of guilt-fuelled tossing and turning. Any sleep I manage is fitful and broken, but the energy to remove myself from bed and rectify the situation, even belatedly, is long gone, and even my narrator self has given up by then.

Defeated and despondent.

Another day gone.


2 Comments so far
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Not wanting to pry but are you getting any professions help to deal with your situation. It really helps to have someone trained to talk you through how you are feeling and give you some strategies to cope. I’m so sorry you are suffering this way. Big hugs xx

Comment by Clancy

Thanks for your concern (and hugs!) Clancy – I was seeking professional help up until this year when government subsidies ran out. For the most part I’ve been doing okay, but recent events mean that it’s probably time to swallow my pride, borrow money off family and make sure I’m getting the help I need!

Comment by soloinsydney

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