solo in sydney

When One Door Closes
June 16, 2010, 11:35 pm
Filed under: dear diary, depression

If you’ve come across my Twitter stream, you’ll know that it’s been a strange few months for me. Even more strange than usual. I’ve been back at work, for the most part, but I still have the odd week or two where I can’t find the energy to get out of bed and out the door. Yet somehow, I still have a job. I’ve been working from home on occassion, tackling small projects that are both trivial and fulfilling.

I’ve been back to my therapist twice now, and our sessions have taken an interesting turn. I won’t go into details just yet, but if we’re on the right track, it could be a very positive step for me. My medication is currently getting me by, but it’s far from perfect. The sedative effect I need at night renders me dazed and incoherent come morning. As my dosage increases, it becomes more and more of a struggle to push through it and get on with life. If my doctor is right about his current hunch though, all this could change.

Things with J have been about the same. Some good days, plenty of bad days, far too many horrible days. We had friends stay with us over the long weekend, and I truly lost count of how many times he told me to fuck off or shut up. There was nothing joking about it either, it was cold and brutal.

Money is still a huge issue. I’m paying him back hundreds every pay day, yet it’s not enough. He wants me to pay it back faster, yet he won’t give me a total because he doesn’t think I’ll be able to reach it. I’m begging him to give me a goal, something to aim for, and he keeps telling me I just can’t do it. I don’t know what he wants from me. Oddly enough, throughout the constant complaints our financial situation, J can’t stop talking about a trip overseas later this year. He keeps insisting that he’ll pay for me, but I know how that goes. If I agree to go with him, he’ll think he has a free pass to treat me how he wants, and he’ll use it against me at any opportunity. He’ll call me ungrateful, and ask why I said yes, forgetting that he’d begged me to say so.

In other news, B is gone, and attempts to stay in contact with him have been shut down. It was all completely innocent, mind you, but it was nice to talk to someone who made me laugh and feel special, if only for a few minutes a day. That door is closed, but as is often the case, another door has since opened.

For some time before J came along, I was trying a long distance ‘thing’ with a great guy. I don’t know if you’d call it a relationship, because although I took it very seriously, I was never convinced that he did. When I met J, I had a difficult decision to make. I honestly felt like I was cheating on long distance guy, let’s call him S, by even entertaining the thought of going on a date with J.

For reasons that I can’t even begin to understand in retrospect, I chose J. I told S immediately. I wanted to be honest with him, but I didn’t want to hurt him. I didn’t even know if it would hurt him or even bother him in the slightest, as he always kept his cards close to his chest. His reaction was fairly mild, but eventually the hurt started showing through. I didn’t want to rub salt into the wounds, so I ceased contact. We went from talking every day, to the occasional email or text. I spoke to him briefly when I found out he was dating again, and he said she was a great girl, but she wasn’t me.

I always thought he was joking. I never took him seriously. And all these years later, I’m realising what a mistake that was. We’ve been speaking again, and he assures me he was absolutely serious. He still is. He’d still drop everything and move across the world to be with me. I don’t know how I ever chose J over him, but at the same time, I’m not sure I deserve a second chance. A lot has changed over the last few years, and my emotional baggage has increased tenfold. I’m not in a good place and he’s largely in the dark about what’s been happening. He deserves better than this, better than me, but I don’t know if I can say no.


6 Comments so far
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Awww I’m glad that you and your therapist are on a positive track :) Also wanted to say that you deserve every happiness in the world, you seem like such a sweetheart and I cannot fathom how J can treat you the way he does? Good luck with S and your decisions. Please remember that you do deserve him and you are most certainly good enough :) xx

Comment by Maddy

Thank you Maddy, I need all the good luck I can get! I don’t know if I’m a sweetheart though, I’m sure I’m not much fun to be around when I’m down and anxious, but I still try to be considerate and useful when I have the energy to be! But of course, living with someone who oftens refers to my depression as an ‘excuse’ makes that a little difficult sometimes!

Comment by soloinsydney

Why don’t you see if he can come visit and then go from there. I don’t at all condone cheating etc but if being face to face with S gives you the strength to know you’re not alone you need to do it. You need to get out and look after yourself.

Comment by Bee

Thank you Bee, you might be on to something. I might be embarking on something along those lines well before S comes this way though, so cheating won’t even be on the cards. I’ve never cheated before and I never considered myself the kind to do so, but I think I’ve emotionally checked out of this relationship, and the time to move on might be coming soon. Here’s hoping :)

Comment by soloinsydney


Reading your blog it sounds like you hate J. I can see why, but I cant see why you stay with him. My advice to you is to leave J, move back home and try and establish something with this S guy. You have NOTHING to lose, its not like you could risk losing happiness. Ask for help. Ask your family to help you pay J back, so that you NEVER have to deal with him again. This person is toxic and cannot be of any help to you. Everybody makes mistakes, its those that admit to them that are considered the brave ones. I understand that you are suffering from depression and are blinded by that.. but you need to do something for you. Dont think about it, JUST DO IT.

Comment by nd

It sounds very petty, but the main reason I’m not leaving is that depression has not only left me in a great deal of debt, but it’s also left me thinking that I’m not capable of change. I’ve never been good with change at the best of times, so the thought of facing it now while I’m struggling to simply stay afloat is very daunting. A few weeks ago I would have thought it impossible, but now I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I believe I can do it, just not quite yet. I also never thought of asking my family for money to pay off my debt to J before now, but it’s definitely something that I’ll be considering from now on, so thank you :)

Comment by soloinsydney

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