solo in sydney

The Move
February 28, 2010, 9:57 pm
Filed under: sydney, the backstory

It seems an obvious solution to simply pack a bag and stay with a friend, even for a few nights, and trust me when I say that I’d do this in a heartbeat if I had the option.

But I don’t. I’m not from Sydney. I have a few associates, but no family or close friends.

I met J in my hometown when I was happy, carefree and financially secure. I had already struggled with Depression on and off for years, but with a vast network of family and friends around me I had been coping well. Our first few years together were fairly smooth sailing, though J was caring and understanding when I did have the occasional off day. He knew my diagnosis and he was supportive in ensuring I sought further help.

Eventually, my job became so frantic that I had little time to be depressed, but when an eventual lull emerged, I would crash. I could barely drag myself out of bed for days on end. Despite this, I loved my job. I was working hard on a project that I loved, with a group of people I loved.

One night, J announced that he wanted to move to Sydney, and that I was coming with him. I’ve wanted to move to Sydney for as long as I can remember, but there was simply too much holding me where I was. I was in the running for a promotion at work, but J brushed this off and said we’d reevaluate if that occurred. In the meantime, he applied for countless jobs in Sydney and started looking for a new apartment.

By the time I got the promotion it was too late, according to J at least. I had to turn it down and ask for a transfer. I was madly in love with J and nothing was stopping him from moving to Sydney, so I followed. I put my dream job on hold and followed him, and ended up spending years in a job that completely burnt me out. I eventually crashed, and without friends or family around to share the load, J buckled under the pressure and I didn’t recover for months. I still haven’t fully recovered emotionally, and especially not financially.

But despite it all, I don’t want to leave Sydney. I don’t want to admit defeat and return to my home a failure. I like my life here now, I just wish it wasn’t with J.


5 Comments so far
Leave a comment

I don’t think you’ll be defeated if you move.
You’ll be stronger for getting out of that toxic situation.
And who knows, you may have another shot at your dream job.
I once moved back home 300 km because of a difficult situation that I couldn’t fix. And in several months, I got back on my feet and moved back to the city, and never looked back.
You need to start doing things for YOU.

Comment by Carly Findlay

You’re right Carly, I know I won’t have been defeated if I move back home, but I think I’ll still -feel- as if I’ve lost something. Moving to the city was a challenge I’ve always wanted to undertake, even before J came along.

I’ve been told that I can walk straight back into my dream job whenever I like, but I’m not sure it suits my state of mind at the moment. My current employers are so flexible and relaxed and my workmates are so great that I’m hesitant to give that up!

Comment by soloinsydney

Hope you figure things out.
Start living for you, you deserve some happiness.

Comment by citysoliloquy

I think you’re right, and for the first time in a long time, I actually believe I deserve some happiness too.

Thank you :)

Comment by soloinsydney

I also found your blog on Vogue… and its given me goosebumps. It is like reading my own diary word for word. Exact same situation, Exact same feelings.
Dont feel like your alone, because there is plenty of people who feel the same way that we do. – Hope you doing ok today.. Life is a constant struggle.

Comment by fairybelle

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